Авиационен хумор :)

Авиационен хумор :)

Мнениеот Flo » 22 Мар 2010 23:20

FLIGHT FACTS

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.--- Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel

The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:

The second officer says, "Damn it!" The first officer says, "I have an idea!" The captain say, "Hey, watch this!"

Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?

"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute."--- George Bernard Shaw

When asked why he was referred to as 'Ace': "Because during World War Two, I was responsible for the destruction of six aircraft, fortunately three were enemy." - Captain Ray Lancaster, USAAF.

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins- Anonymous

Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed. - Anonymous

"When it comes to testing new aircraft or determining maximum performance, pilots like to talk about "pushing the envelope." They're talking about a two dimensional model: the bottom is zero altitude, the ground; the left is zero speed; the top is max altitude; and the right, maximum velocity, of course. So, the pilots are pushing that upper-right-hand corner of the envelope. What everybody tries not to dwell on is that that's where the postage gets canceled, too."--- Admiral Rick Hunter, U.S. Navy.

"It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure." - Dick Markgraf

"Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two." --- Paul Slattery

"I've flown every seat on this airplane, can someone tell me why the other two are always occupied by idiots?" --- Don Taylor

The only three things a wingman should ever say are: 1. Two's up. 2. You're on fire. 3. I'll take the ugly one.

There are only three things the copilot should ever say: 1. Nice landing, Sir. 2. I'll buy the first round. 3. I'll take the ugly one.

As a new copilot on a bomber I was told to say these three things and to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything: 1. Clear on the right. 2. Outer (marker) on the double (indicator) 3. I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).

As an aviator in flight you can do anything you want... As long as it's right... And we'll let you know if it's right after you get down.

You can't fly forever without getting killed.

As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.

a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane..
b. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane..

Any flight over water in a single engine airplane will absolutely guarantee abnormal engine noises and vibrations.

There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.

More about Rules: a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it. b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance. (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)

The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.

About check rides: a. The only real objective of a check ride is to complete it and get the bastard out of your airplane. b. It has never occurred to any flight examiner that the examinee couldn't care less what the examiner's opinion of his flying ability really is.

The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.

Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.

It is absolutely imperative that the pilot be unpredictable. Rebelliousness is very predictable. In the end, conforming almost all the time is the best way to be unpredictable.

He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.

If you're gonna fly low, do not fly slow! Anti Submarine Warfare pilots know this only too well.

It is solely the pilot's responsibility to never let any other thing touch his aircraft.

If you can learn how to fly as a 2nd Lt and not forget how to fly by the time you're a Maj. you will have lived a happy life.

Night flying:
a. Remember that the airplane doesn't know that it's dark.
b. On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker's lights.
c. There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
d. If you're going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather so you can double count your exposure to both hazards.
e. Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium with each other.
f. You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks and perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a single engine night weather flight.

One of the most important skills that a pilot must develop is the skill to ignore those things that were designed by non-pilots to get the pilot's attention.

At the end of the day, the controllers, ops supervisors, maintenance guys, weather guessers, and birds; they're all trying to kill you and your job is to not let them!

Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.

It is a tacit, yet profound admission of the preeminence of flying in the hierarchy of the human spirit, that those who seek to control aviators via threats always threaten to take one's wings and not one's life.

Remember when flying low and inverted that the rudder still works the same old way but hopefully your instructor never taught you "pull stick back, plane go up".

A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability discussion above)

The aircraft G-limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular airplane. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no G-limits.

One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality of the social experience.

If a mother has the slightest suspicion that her infant might grow up to be a pilot, she had better teach him to put things back where he got them.

The ultimate responsibility of the pilot is to fulfill the dreams of the countless millions of earthbound ancestors who could only stare skyward...and wish.

There are bold pilots, and there are old pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots.


:D
Flo
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Re: Авиационен хумор :)

Мнениеот dobr0mir » 23 Мар 2010 23:32

Някой от следните комуникации могат да ви докарат до истеричен смях :)
Извинявам се,но не съм ги превел, но мисля, че не трябва чак толкова добър английски да разбереш смисълът им :)


*********************************************************************

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

*********************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

*********************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

**********************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this - I've got the little Fokker in sight."

**********************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

**********************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

**********************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

**********************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

**********************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

**********************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

**********************************************************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


ATC: " Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."
Al Italia 345: "Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"
-----------------------
Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."
--------------------------
ATC: "Cessna 123, What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
----------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
------------------------
Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center "
--------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-----------------------------
Tower: "American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
American: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"
-----------------------
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60."(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!" (pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
------------------------------------
Controller: "LA700 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Boeing 767 or Airbus 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?"
---------------------------
Tower: "Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
----------------------------
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, ¡cancel the good morning!
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Re: Авиационен хумор :)

Мнениеот dobr0mir » 08 Май 2011 15:53

Oще малко хумор от мен....

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
-----------------------
Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."
-----------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
---------------------------
Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110
knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
--------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: Oh, Oh, Shit! You have traffic!
---------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
--------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean . Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately ..'
--------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
-----------------------------
Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'

-----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'

---------------------------------
Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
-----------------------
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
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Re: Авиационен хумор :)

Мнениеот tupolev144 » 14 Юни 2014 10:16

Авиокомпанията Quantas е известна с това, че е единствената голяма компания, чиито самолет никога не е претърпявал катастрофа. Навярно заслуга за това има и строгата процедура по тестване на самолетите преди полет и попълваните за целта дневници по поддръжката. В тях пилотите вписват своите забележки (З), а механиците от наземния персонал - своите отговори (О). Тъй като и двете страни се отличават с особеното си чуство за дружелюбен, но понякога черен хумор, с годините се е натрупала доста своеобразна колекция от лаконични задочни разговори. Ето малка част от тях:
- З: Лявата вътрешна гума е почти наложително да бъде заменена.
- О: Почти заменихме лявата вътрешна гума.
- З: Нещо подрънква в пилотската кабина.
- О: Нещо беше затегнато в пилотската кабина.
- З: Има умрели бръмбари по челното стъкло.
- О: Поръчани са живи такива. Ще ги инсталираме след следващия полет.
- З: Има признаци за протичане на течност по десния колесник.
- О: Признаците са отстранени.
- З: Системата "Свой-Чужд" не работи.
- О: Системата "Свой-Чужд" никога не работи, когато е изключена.
- З: Двигател, инв. № 380-8006FAF-89-19, липсва под лявото крило.
- О: След кратко разследване, двигател, инв. № 380-8006FAF-89-19, беше открит под дясното крило.
- З: В пилотската кабина има мишка.
- О: В оборудването на пилотската кабина е добавена котка.
- З: Полетът мина нормално, но помощната система за управление при приземяване работи доста грубо.
- О: На този тип самолет няма помощна система за управление при приземяване.
- З: В момента на включване на автопилота самолетът губи 30 м височина.
- О: Проверено неколкократно в хангара - самолетът държи височината стабилно.
- З: При заключване на ръчката на газта, същата се движи много трудно.
- О: Ключалката е сложена там с цел ръчката на газта да се движи ТРУДНО..., идиот такъв!
- З: Подозирам, че в челното стъкло има пукнатина.
- О: Подозирам, че си прав.
- З: Самолетът се държи странно.
- О: На самолета бе наредено да се държи прилично.
- З: Иззад контролния блок на радиста се чува силен звук - като че ли там седи някакво джудже и блъска с чук по плоскостите.
- О: Джуджето е открито. Чукът - иззет.
- З: Радарът пищи неистово.
- О: Радарът е препрограмиран. Сега ще чурулика тихо.
http://vicove.gbg.bg/
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Re: Авиационен хумор :)

Мнениеот Jair » 14 Юни 2014 17:26

tupolev144 написа:Авиокомпанията Quantas е известна с това...


И най-вече известна с това, че всичко живо и бърка името :)
http://www.aerohroniki.com - Блог за авиация и пътешествия
http://www.magelanci.com - форум за пътешествия
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Re: Авиационен хумор :)

Мнениеот epetkov » 04 Окт 2016 20:29

Още малко за летище София от друг ъгъл : http://skandal.bg/bg/izbrani-biseri-ot-letishte-sofiya/
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Re: Авиационен хумор :)

Мнениеот Пароль » 05 Окт 2016 21:55

Последните думи на втория пилот (от записа на "черната кутия" на разбил се самолет):
- Пешо, пошегувах се, че е спала с мен!
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Re: Авиационен хумор :)

Мнениеот epetkov » 12 Дек 2016 18:11

Това изобщо не е шега , а истински случай.Но понеже темата "Разни" все още е заключена.....http://m.edna.bg/svobodno-vreme/syveti/80-godishnata-stiuardesa-koiato-prodylzhava-da-leti-v-nebesata-4646201
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